Monday, April 8, 2013

In the beginning . . .

Your heartache is someone else's hope.
If you make it through somebody else is going to make it through.
Tell your story.

-- Kim McManus

When we met I was smitten.  He was older, handsome, and very charming.  I actually knew I was going to marry him . . . someday. I fell hard for him! He had a great job and made a good living so we were always doing fun and exciting things together.  He was very attentive and remarkably romantic. It felt like a fairy tale. I was happy. He seemed happy.  We moved forward.

Before long he asked me to move closer to him and everything just fell into place.  I had just started a new job that I loved and wanted to be closer to the office too.  I searched for an affordable apartment but wasn't having much luck.  I found one that I loved but just could not make the finances work.  He liked it too.  He offered to help a little each month with the rent and I reluctantly said yes.  That was not something I would normally do at all.  I got my 1st job when I was 15 and had been fiercely independent since that time.  I think I accepted his offer to be closer to him but I admit it felt good that he wanted to help me or take care of me or both.  Again, not my personality at all!  I have always been very head strong and independent and absolutely hate being told what to do.  I was in love!

All seemed fine in the beginning. There were a few arguments here and there but nothing that set off any alarms.  Then quite suddenly as we grew closer and closer his jealousy became overwhelming --- quite stifling, in fact.  In time it even started to interfere with my job.  At the time I worked in an office with almost all men and I had known and worked with them all for many years (just a new company and location). There was a lot of time out of the office with different co-workers and even business trips with one or all of them at any given time.  That became problematic.

When I would not respond to a  phone call or text message quickly enough the accusations would fly. The name calling would begin and a lot of hurtful words would follow.  The men that I worked with knew the devil well  since we had all, at one time worked for the same company.  They were very protective of me and soon began to think he was off his rocker! During this time he also would start to withhold funds for the rent if I made him angry or did something that he did not like. My mom remembers more than I do the phone calls where I would call her crying because he was angry and hurtful and I was scared that I would be evicted.  She was concerned immediately.

It wasn't always bad.  When we got along it was really good.  I found myself trying not to upset him and sometimes even lying about work so that he wouldn't get angry.  I was happy when he was happy. It soon became my mission to keep him happy to avoid any accusations and keep the peace.  I think I was also scared of A) being alone in the new city B) dating anyone else or starting over and C) not paying my rent.  Wow ---- that sounds so ridiculous now!  I also more importantly thought that things would change ... they never did.

Fast forward about a year and or so and we found out I was pregnant.  We were not actively not trying to get pregnant and had discussed having children together.  I was not ready to get married but we were (I thought) fully committed to one another and ready to again move forward and become parents.  I was not at all concerned with being married.  We were happy and pregnant!!  I thought surely this would be the turning point in our relationship.  Things were really good for a while.

Then at about 7 or 8 months along I was driving his truck and found lipstick on the passenger side floorboard.  It wasn't mine.  I was pregnant, hormonal and pissed off!

And so began the existence of our tumultuous relationship . . .

I asked him about the lipstick, he denied, denied, denied and even turned it around and made it my fault.  How the hell did that happen?  I was so mad I threw things - I yelled - I cursed - I kicked things . . . and then I forgave him.

This became my new life.  One month later he proposed and I said yes.

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